College Football – The News About Losing

Very funny football bloopers

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First Worst College Football Futility Rankings - Week One

The Worst of College Football

Each year, schools vie to avoid placement on the list of worst-performing football teams, and each year, several schools endeavor to find new and unique ways to lose.  The fact that there can only be one winner (with the obvious exception of a tie score at the end of overtime) means that there is always one loser in each game.  Teams that can string together successive and significant losses are the ones that earn a coveted spot in the Futility Rankings. 

So before kicking off the season-opening First Worst Futility Ranking, let’s quickly review the rules.  To make the First Worst list, teams must play in a conference that endeavors to send contenders to BCS games.  Although the Mid-America Conference can get teams into minor bowl games, Akron and Ball State aren’t contenders for any real post-season notoriety.   And although we stretch the rules sometimes on this by including such powerhouse programs as Idaho, Utah State and New Mexico State, a school must represent and embarrass the state they are located in.  Ball State football does not embarrass the state of “Ball” although it may from time to time; embarrass anyone associated with the school. 

So without further delay, The Sage of College Football proudly presents his picks for the 2009 pre-season First Worst Futility Rankings.

10.  Utah State – The school opens at #19 Utah in what was supposed to be an in-state battle for football supremacy that would engage the entire state of Utah and increase statewide interest in football.  This is such a mismatch that the only battle is to figure out a reason to pay for a ticket.  And it will go downhill from there.  Look for Utah State to do some really creative thinking to sell tickets to the Homecoming game.

9.  New Mexico – The Lobos are staring at what should be a tough year.  With Texas A&M as well as Texas Tech on the schedule, New Mexico must also contend with three of its final four games against nationally ranked opponents.   Unfortunately for UNM, these are all home games.  BYU, Utah and TCU have the honor of journeying to Albuquerque (and learning how to spell it) before thrashing the poor Lobos on their home field.

8.  Indiana – While it is rare that a Big 10 school makes the list, the Hoosiers are at least making a run at getting out of the First Worst Futility Rankings.  If they can avoid trips to the Emergency Room, the Hoosiers have a shot.  However, their first three games are nothing more than scrimmages against Eastern Kentucky, Western Michigan and Akron.  It wasn’t widely known that these schools actually fielded collegiate football teams. 

7.  New Mexico State – New coach DeWayne Walker gets introduced to reality this year as his Aggie team tries to get out of the WAC Cellar.  The WAC Cellar is essentially the doormat to the entire football world – you can’t sink any lower.  Still, the Aggies set the schedule up right with opening games against perennial powder-puff Idaho and then in week 2 against someone called Prairie View A&M.  Should Walker get on the wrong side of these games, he may be spending his free time across the river in Juarez buying cheap gifts to send to Athletic Directors across the country – all in anticipation of his next job search. 

6.  Oregon State/Oregon – Granted, these programs really aren’t that bad on the field – except when you look at them.    The two Oregon schools earn the number six position owing to their uniquely prissy nicknames (Ducks and Beavers), and their unbelievably ugly uniforms.  There isn’t much you can do at OSU with black and orange except celebrate Halloween.  And there are several nightmares in the OSU history book.  Oregon’s yellow and green is also tough enough to work with as well.  When the Ducks show up in their yellows, they look like highlight pens on green felt.   If they wear their green unis, they match the field.  The Ducks have to take this look on the road for game one against #14 Boise State, so they might be looking for something to highlight besides the score.

5.  Duke – The poor Blue Devils of Duke offer proof that basketball schools shouldn’t play football.  And at Duke, they don’t.  Although they try, the black and blue Devils have a uniquely challenging path towards football respectability – they have to find freshman who can compete on the field as well as pass Freshman English.  Then they have to take on one of the powerhouse conferences; the ACC, and go up against four nationally ranked teams in 2009.  The Sage wishes the Bleu Devils the best this year, but theirs is a daunting task that could keep them ensconced in a First Worst position most of the year.

4.  Iowa State – The Cyclones are coming off a disastrous year, so they did what most schools do – got a new coach.  Fortunately, the Cyclones didn’t have to fire the old guy – they traded with Auburn and got Paul Rhoads to be their new head coach while dumping their old coach – one Gene Chizik – on Auburn.   We’ll see who got the better end of that deal.  All the same, the Cyclones have a long way to go but could be on the right track with Rhoads.  Rhoads is a local Iowa Stater (aren’t many of them around who will admit to being one) who is rallying the program.  Good thing the first game is against North Dakota State. 

3.  Idaho – College football fans keep checking the Idaho website to make sure that they still have a team.  As of this post, they do… and they are still called the “Vandals.”  The Vandals were a once-feared tribe of Europeans that would trash opponent’s villages without mercy.  The only thing these Vandals trash is their school’s reputation.  They lead off against New Mexico State in what is sure to be a thriller.

2.  Washington – How in the world can the Pac 12 have two teams at the bottom of the heap?  And how can they both be from the same state?  The University of Washington finished last season winless.  Of course they fired their coach and conned Steve Sarkisian into leaving the beaches and the babes of Southern California for the fog and depression of Seattle area football.  Hopefully Sark got a good financial package out of UDub to make this all somehow worthwhile.  His first game is at home against LSU. 

1.  Washington State – The Cougars are projected – despite their cool uniforms and nickname – to lead off at number one in the First Worst Futility Rankings.  They managed a win over the Huskies of Washington last year, but that was the highlight of their season.  As there are no weak opponents on the Cougar schedule in 2009 other than the aforementioned UDub, WSU may make a run at a winless season and the premier place in the First Worst Futility Rankings.  The poor Cougars even have to play Hawaii – in a home game.  At least the Cougars can take over the #1 position from their in-state rivals for something. 

Dog Game of Opening Week – Idaho at New Mexico State.  Who schedules these things?  Play early up north, late down south.  These admin types get it all bass ackwards.

Bottom Ten Early Season Games – 2009

The college football season is almost upon us!  No longer do guys have sit in the garage in a folding chair watching grown men chase a little white ball around a park.  Week one offers up some terrific games sure to enliven the early autumn season.  Some of the best opening day games include:
·    #7 VA Tech vs #5 Alabama
·    #13 Georgia vs. #9 Oklahoma State
·    # 3 OU vs #20 BYU

One of the benefits of the much maligned BCS system is that some decent early season games may now be seen prior to conference play.  Still, this doesn’t overshadow some hugely horrible match ups in week one.  Week one is where fans of losing teams cautiously poke their heads out from behind the bleachers to see if this year, their team can win something besides the intrasquad game.

Building a loser into a winner in college football is a tall order.  Winning programs have years of tradition to assist in the recruiting of star high school athletes.  Unfortunately losing programs also have years of tradition – the tradition of being humiliated on the field.  This makes recruiting a daunting challenge.

Winning programs have throngs of well-heeled alumni to pay for the recruiting parties.  They enjoy attending them with the young coeds recruited for the event as well.  Alumni looking for things to do with their millions enjoy seeing the team they paid for thrash lesser schools on their way to a BCS appearance.  They enjoy being a part of a long standing, winning tradition.  Losing schools see their alumni donations channeled to the Philosophy Department. 

Established and successful college football programs that expect be celebrating the next New Year’s Day in someplace warmer than Toledo follow the same, well-worn path to success each year.  Schedule and win tough games against quality opponents outside the conference and the BCS formula will reward alumni with a free beer party on the beach.  Losing football programs will be wallowing in the netherworld of bowl ineligibility.

Scheduling is an art form that directly impacts the BCS formula for picking a national football champion.  Traditional losers call each upcoming season a ‘rebuilding year.’  Successful and winning football programs call every season a ‘rebuilding year.’  Successful program operators understand that even their best player is only going to contribute for a few years.  Then someone else must be found to fill in.  Getting junior players ready for the big time is a big priority of these early season ‘patsy’ scrimmages.

It is in the view of ‘rebuilding’ that the scheduling task is undertaken.  Early season games are left to the individual schools to schedule and promote.  Most of these are non-conference games that now have an impact on the BCS bowl game picture.  Prior to the BCS, Nebraska kept a long standing tradition of beating up on the most unbelievably weak early season opponents they could find.  This was to re-establish that winning tradition year after year.  Now however, Husker nation has to chew its nails through one or two pre-Big 12 Conference games each year that are actually challenging.  The Big and Red fans (BaRFs) have seen their team lose games to the likes of USC to knock themselves out of national championship contention before the Big 12 season kicks off.

Finding weak Division II schools to build an early season schedule around is easy enough.  Just pay Murray State and Western Kentucky enough money and these schools will send eleven guys willing to get smacked around for 60 minutes so that a powerhouse school may rack up a win.    Still, these games can get interesting.  Remembering (quite fondly) the Appalachian State victory over the mighty Michigan Wolverines in Ann Arbor on opening day a couple years ago, powerhouse schools need to actually show up to play. 

Will there be another Appalachian State waiting in the wings to knock off a top ten opponent this year? Probably not, but at least we can make fun of the horrible beatings some of these schools are going to be dishing out to begin the 2009 season.  So without further ‘ado’ here are the top ten blowouts for the 2009 early season as chosen by your humble author – the Sage of College Football.

10.  Michigan vs Western Michigan – The mighty Wolverine program has fallen on hard times and is coming out the dark living Hell of bowl ineligibility.  The Wolverines are an angry team playing at home.  Its fans are demanding redemption in the Big House in Ann Arbor.  Western Michigan players are asking how their administration got them into this gig.  The administrators will watch the end of this game from the bar. WMU players may watch it from their hospital beds.

9.  Indiana vs:  (in order) Eastern Kentucky, Western Michigan, Akron –  The Hoosiers leapt out to a 2-0 start in 2008 by beating a couple of these same schools to open the season.  Unfortunately, the school had many of its best athletes doing rotation work through the local hospital and didn’t produce another win all season.  This didn’t necessarily mean the plan was flawed; it was just that football players produce more wins on the field than from the infirmary.  Look for the Hoosiers to start strong in the first three weeks before getting whacked silly by the University of Michigan in game 4. 

8. Nevada vs Notre Dame – The Fighting Irish have lost some of that Irish ambition over the past couple of seasons.  This year though, is ‘make or break’  for Coach Charlie Weiss, so the nation’s best independent school has agreed to take on the Nevada Wolf Pack in South Bend.  If the ‘Pack beats up on the Irish, look for the rebellion to begin.  Early wisdom has the Irish beating the stuffing out of this school in preparation for the game 2 matchup with Michigan.

7.  Penn State vs Akron – The Akron Zips (yes, really), are funding their athletic budget for the next several years by agreeing to play Penn State and Indiana in two of their first three games.  Playing this one at Penn State will only add to the agony Zip Alums will have to endure.  Look for the Lions to run a couple series with their starters and wipe out Akron using players that don’t expect to take the field for the rest of the year.

6.  Texas vs Louisiana-Monroe – Why does a state with LSU as its flagship program allow these lesser schools to provide fodder for early season blowout losses?  Louisiana football fans wind up with schizophrenic personalities owing to following LSU, the NFL’s Saints, Louisiana-Monroe and Louisiana Lafayette.    The only reason this one won’t be a bigger blow out is that Texans usually have manners and won’t be trying to hit triple digits.

5.  LSU vs Washington – It is highly unusual that a Pac 10 school participates on the sacrificial side of an early season blowout.  When this schedule was set, LSU had every expectation that the Huskies would show up ready to give ‘em a good game.  The Huskies will indeed show up – fresh off a winless season, with a new coach and few recruits.  If LSU loses this one, be prepared for something worse than Katrina.

4.  Nebraska vs. Florida Atlantic – Florida Atlantic is one of the southern schools that has been investing in its program with the long term goal of becoming competitive.  Nebraska invests in its program every year and usually produces a winner.  After losing important home games to the likes of the USC Trojans in years past, don’t look for the Huskers to look past this one.  FLATLANTIC should get busted up in Lincoln.  If the southern school somehow prevails, there will be armed revolt on campus.

3. Florida State vs Jacksonville State - (September 12) what in the world is a top 20 team doing playing Jacksonville State?  Racking up a ‘W’ without too much effort is the obvious answer.  This game doesn’t do much for the Seminole’s bowl prospects except if they manage somehow to lose it. 

2.  Western Kentucky vs Tennessee - The Vols are clawing their way back into BCS contention and a win over the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers would be a good start.  Accordingly, a loss would be a disaster.  Playing in front of some 100k fans in Knoxville is tough enough, but for a Volunteer team looking to rebuild by bludgeoning a lesser opponent, it should be a cakewalk. 

1.  #1 Florida vs. Charleston Southern - This one is unbelievably scheduled to air on ESPN!  Then the mighty Gators have Troy U. on September 12.   To kick off their season, the preseason favorite Florida Gators actually scheduled a game against a southern part of a southern city… or at least a school that has little expectation to compete well.  The Sage cannot imagine how Charleston Southern would invite a decent athlete to participate in a game like this.  Even athletes that are healthy may wind up with Swine Flu right before kickoff.   Surviving H1N1 would be better than surviving this game.  Florida and its alumni should (but won’t) be ashamed for setting this one up.

Rotten Game of Opening Week – Idaho vs. New Mexico State – two of the worst programs in the nation square off against one another.  The victor may record its only win.

Check back Sunday for the 2009 innagural First Worst Bottom Ten List!

Rebuilding Year – turning the ashes of 2008 into a 2009 winner

Building a successful college football program requires several key ingredients. Now that the 2008 campaign can be deeply buried for some truly awful programs, the work to build losers into winners is in full swing. It is appropriate now, to look at some of the significant elements required for building a winning football program. Included on this list are:
- Finding enough Murray State and Western Kentucky football programs to build a schedule around,
- Identifying enough alumni who really believe in the institution’s academic focus to give thousands of hard-earned dollars so they can be entertained on autumn Saturdays, and
- Luring enough respectable athletes that are also capable of constructing complete sentences.

Scheduling
Early pioneers of creative scheduling used to rely on sportswriters to simply pick their team as a contender for the National Championship. In years past, the Cornish Game Huskers of Nebraska routinely scheduled unbelievably weak opponents to open their season. They would fill Memorial Stadium in Lincoln with throngs of beer basted, red nosed (and clad) fans to watch the Huskers thrash teams that could hardly assemble eleven people for the kick off.

The advent of the BCS scoring system changed all that. Instead of arranging weekly massacres of poor opponents in September, the Big and Red administration had to try and bring in some quality opponents such as Southern Cal and Virginia Tech. It is bad enough that Nebraska has to face serious competition in Missouri, Oklahoma and Texas during their conference schedule. Now, that danged BCS has made the Big and Red Fans (BaRFs), actually see some real games during the harvest season.

The University of Michigan – another of the hallowed monster football programs – used to try the weak-sister scheduling method to gather steam for a national championship run. Unfortunately for them (and a blessedly for the rest of us), over the past two seasons, they scheduled in Appalachian State and the University of Utah as part of their September Patsy Parade. The really bad news for the Wolverines is that both AppState and the Utes actually showed up. The Utes wound up stealing the Wolverines’ place at the upper level of the BCS by season’s end.  Back in Ann Arbor, that early loss to Utah set the stage for a remarkable skid into the grey land of bowl ineligibility. This year again,all the soon-to-be snow choked Wolverine fans will have to make up a reason to go drink beer in Florida while other teams continue to play football.

The Indiana Hoosier football team didn’t harbor any realistic thoughts of attending a bowl game this year, but they followed the scheduling methodology perfectly. They then hit the tank after a 2-0 start. In taking a closer look, those two early season wins against Western Kentucky and Murray State didn’t actually qualify as genuine games. Still, the Hoosiers actually played the games and managed to defeat both. It just didn’t prepare them for the rest of the Big Ten schedule, which quickly relegated Indiana to their usual place sweeping up the stalls at the bottom of the heap.

Alumni Relations
It has been said that to be successful as a college administrator, one must provide three things to three different constituencies. Students want sex, the faculty wants parking and alumni want winning sports. While the student interest generally takes care of itself and a modest effort can pacify the faculty demand for parking places and hook ups for electric cars, the Alumni demand is quite a bit more challenging.

Some of the more creative administrators remember that alumni were once students themselves and therefore might be more closely attuned to the student demand. That is why cheerleaders are instructed to perform in front of the alumni section as much as in front of the student cheap seats.

Free beer and chips also keep alumni pacified during losing seasons, but at some point, the administration needs to deliver either a winner on the field or provide the hope for delivering a winner. It is this last point that impacts the career of football coaches. Coaches are motivators – not only of players but of alumni as well. Players provide the muscle for on the field execution, alumni provide the funds for the weight room as well as the recruiting parties. Some of these alums attend as well.

Recruiting
A tribute to Dan Hawkins (currently coach of the Colorado Buffalos and formerly of Boise State), seems appropriate here. Motivational speaking can only accomplish so much. However, Hawkins has achieved a level of success rarely touched by others. Convincing a star pampered athlete to leave the comfortable confines of his San Diego prep school to play football on the frozen prairie wasteland of Idaho is a remarkable feat. It is so cold there that the field turned blue. Still the ‘Hawk’ hacked a powerhouse program out of that wilderness due to superior coaching ability and outstanding motivational skill.

Now, the University of Colorado – from its stunningly beautiful Boulder, CO campus – thinks that Hawkins should never lose another game. Unfortunately for the Buffalo Steaks, that hasn’t quite panned out just yet. Still, Hawkins has had some solid recruiting success and the CU program at least appears headed in the right direction. The Buffalos are the Sage’s pick for the surprise team of 2009.

When it comes down to it, there is only so much the coaches can do to produce a winner. They have to put talented athletes on the field. Unfortunately, they have to put these same athletes in Freshman English. Have you heard some of these athletes try to give a radio interview? Ask what it is to conjugate a verb and many will just ask for the key to the restroom. Success on the field does not guarantee success in the classroom. This may be why Duke has such a problem putting a competitive team on the field. Spelling one’s name correctly on the Duke entrance exam is but one requirement. Athletes need to be academically able to attend the Stanfords, Northwesterns, Notre Dames and Dukes of the football world. To these schools, the Sage sends his kudos. You can’t put students in the classroom who have trouble distinguishing verb from pronoun, even if they can run 40 yards in four seconds.

There will be a number of new coaches and staffs in place for the 2009 season. Usually, season one for a new coaching staff is a disaster. Little recruiting has been done and there is no history for a star recruit to look at to help in his decision to attend. It is in these first years though, that the average viewer really learns who can coach and who can’t. If you have a team made up of essentially walk-on players taking the field to play Oklahoma, you are going to find out who can motivate his team to play its best. And every now and then, you get a huge upset. That is why we keep tuning in and buying the College Football Executive Package from our cable companies. So keep an eye on Sarkisian at Washington next year… Should the Huskies win a game next year, it will be because of solid coaching -not necessarily great recruiting.

Winning football traditions bring multiple of factors together for a successful season. But it’s the losers that figure out interesting ways to blow it. The Sage of College Football will be here to bring you all the fun and interesting tidbits for 2009. Have a comment for the Sage? Please click the Contact Us tab and send us a note, or click on ‘comment.’

for my uncle

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