College Football – The News About Losing

Classic Quotes from the Losing Coach – Choice Comments from Week Two

College coaches are hired as much for their on-field abilities as for their off-field diplomacy skills.  Diplomacy is a necessary skill made valuable by the competing pressures of being honest and trying to keep one’s job.   

Colorado Coach Dan Hawkins – who in a fit of delusion predicted that the Buffaloes would produce a 10-win season – suffered a humiliating 54-38 loss to the mighty football power Toledo Rockets which sent his record for 2009 to 0-2.  Following the game, he said he “had confidence in his team.”  He just didn’t say confidence to do exactly what.

Following his teams come from ahead loss to Michigan, Notre Dame Coach Charlie Weis said that “this is a very disappointing, disheartening loss.” He will be all the more disheartened when he has to start sending out resumes.  Weis called two pass plays  – both of which fell incomplete – which allowed Michigan to take over possession with 2:13 left and two time outs.  Weis’ horrible clock management in this game will be made more difficult to bear should he fail to win out the remainder of his schedule.

And there were other coaching comments worthy of note.  Virginia coach Al Groh – lamenting on his 0-2 start with losses to William and Mary and last weekend to TCU – “we expect more out of ourselves.”  Anyone who paid for a ticket to a Cavalier football game expects a whole lot more as well.  
New New Mexico Coach  Mike Locksley  came up with this gem – “I’m proud of the way our defense played,” he said after a 44-10 loss to the mighty Tulsa Golden Hurricanes.  “The defense corrected quite a few things. We had a few instances where we need to get off the field on third down.”  After letting the opposition run up over 40 points in each of its first two games, the Lobo defense seems to have quite a few things that remain to be corrected.  Locksley has problems on the other side of the ball as well.   “We have some guys in our offense who have the ability to make plays. Somebody has to step up and do it. “  After two games producing a total of one offensive touchdown, it is going to be a very, very long season in Albuquerque.

Washington State Coach Paul Wulff should be commended for his honesty following an embarrassing 38-20 loss at home to Hawaii.  “When you turn the ball over five times, you aren’t going to beat anybody.”   His Cougars are now 0-2 and have to confront the real possibility of a completely winless 2009.  Following on the heels of cross-state rival Washington’s winless 2008 season, state football fans are taking up curling.

First Worst Futility Rankings – Week Two – The Bottom Ten of College Football

The college football world was nearly rocked by a typo this past weekend.  While running the scoreboard ticker, it appeared that Air Force had defeated Michigan State 72-0.  Upon further review (after watching for nearly 30 minutes before the thing repeated) it was revealed that it was “Nich. State” and not “Mich. State” that was on the bottom side of this thrashing.   “Nich. State” stands for Nicholls State – a school that apparently fields a football team in Thibodeaux, LA.  

There were other awful defeats this past weekend including Tennessee’s walloping of Western Kentucky U. – 63-7.  This victory officially kicked off the Lane Kiffen coaching era.  Whether this turns out to be an era or an error remains to be seen.  Kiffen takes on UCLA this Saturday in Knoxville. 

Some of last week’s First Worst Ranked schools managed a win.  However, early season wins over institutions that don’t provide matching uniforms to their players aren’t going to elevate one out of college football’s cellar.  So here are the Sage of College Football’s picks for the ten worst teams going into week two:

10.  Indiana – The mighty Hoosiers penciled in powerhouse Eastern Kentucky for its opening day game.  Fortunately the red ‘I’s’ managed a win, hanging on for a 19-13 decision over a lower division school.   Up this week is the same Western Michigan team that was sacrificed at the Big House in Ann Arbor for the Wolverine’s opening day massacre.  Should the Broncos of WMU pull this one out – and they actually are a I-A school, Indiana could be headed back for a top five finish in the Futility Rankings.    In other Indiana news, it was released that the school has agreed to move its home game against Penn State to Fed Ex Field in Washington next season.  At least the school administration has the heart to not put the home town through this thrashing.

9.  Washington – The Huskies and new coach Steve Sarkisian had all of Seattle treating this loss as a win.  Having failed to humiliate themselves on national television, Washington won much of the first half before coming back to lose 31-23 to #11 LSU.  LSU appeared seriously jet-lagged in this game but prevailed.  Still, after failing to win since late in 2007, the locals were hailing this as a success.  The success wasn’t necessarily in producing a win, but in failing to embarrass the team, school, city and state yet again.  Coach Sark has a chance to produce that first ‘W’ this weekend at home against the Idaho Vandals.   At least nobody will be televising this one.

8.  Iowa State – Cyclone fever wasn’t exactly ignited with the I State win over North Dakota State 34-17.  After all, no one really knew that there was a team at North Dakota State- pr for that matter, few really knew there was a school called North Dakota State.  A little investigation revealed that North Dakota State is best known for getting its football players arrested for DUIs.  What else are they going to do in North Dakota?  Play football?

7. Utah State – Although losing to a top 20 team is not much of a dishonor, the Utah State Aggies lost convincingly to #19 Utah 35-17.  This in-state rivalry fit nicely into Utah U’s plans to drive to a BCS top tier spot.  With that loss behind them, the Aggies now must face Texas A&M at home.  In a classic Aggies vs. Aggies match up, at least one team called the Aggies will win.  Your guess as to which.

6.  New Mexico – The Lobos warmed up Texas A&M for its trip to Utah State Saturday by losing 41-6.  In what could be a solid drive to a top tier finish in the First Worst Futility Rankings, New Mexico is breaking in a new coach this year by returning to its deep football tradition – losing.  At least New Mexico has the New Mexico State Aggies on its schedule for week four.  In what should be the Lobo’s Homecoming Game, this might be their best shot at a W.

5.  Idaho – Does beating one of the nation’s worst football teams get you out of college football’s cellar?  Not this one.  The Vandals won unconvincingly over New Mexico State in Las Cruces.  Among the games lowlights was a run by Vandal running back Princeton McCarty.  After clearing the Aggie line on a running play from his own 32, McCarty found himself all alone on a sprint to the end zone.  In his apparent joy over the impending touchdown, he tripped at the 5, firmly planting face and pride into the 1 yard line.   The Vandals let him carry the ball into the end zone on the following play, but the damage was done.  Idaho contributes more to America’s Funniest Home Videos than it does to football glory.

4. Virginia – The First Worst Futility Rankings welcomes the Virginia Cadavaliers into the top 5 worst college team list.  VA lost ‘convincingly’ lost to William and Mary’s 14-26.  Bill and Mary gave up serious football decades ago, but decided to show up for this one.  This is a school that had not defeated a I-A football team in over 20 years.  It wasn’t at all pretty from the B&M side though.  Bill and Mary attempted five field goals in the second quarter of this thing – missing three.  Still, they came out on top, so welcome to the Virginia Cavaliers to the hallowed list of college football’s worst teams.  Next up for the Cadavaliers – #16 TCU.  Hope the school already collected the ticket money for this one.

3.  Washington State – A big state school losing to a school that tosses out most of its recruits due to academic eligibility problems is tough to swallow.  Stanford defeated the Cougars on their home field 13-39 on Saturday to introduce WSU to the top portion of the Bottom Ten.  The Cougars were never in this game, falling behind 22-3 at the half.   This week’s matchup with the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors will be interesting though.  The Warriors are fresh off a 25-20 win at home over a team from Central Arkansas.  The Central Arkansas boys were more interested in the plane ride and a free trip to the beach.

2.  New Mexico State – New coach DeWayne Walker’s NMS Aggies lost a thriller to #5 Idaho at home.  How anyone can lose to the Vandals is cause for a Congressional investigation. Still Walker’s Aggies came through by losing 6 to 21.  Earlier in the pre-season, Coach Walker had asked for contributions of snack foods for his players.  Apparently the NMSU budget wouldn’t support feeding his team.  The community must have come through with a few too many tamales though, as the Aggies just couldn’t have produced a worse performance.  

1.  Duke –The poor Blew it Devils lost perhaps their best chance for a win all season by getting whacked by a Division I-AAA school – the Richmond Spiders.  Richmond was supposed to play the doormat to at least get the Blue Devils seven days of a winning record but instead exposed just how bad Duke really is this season.  Hopefully, the Duke admins got cash up front for selling season tickets.  This year is already a disaster.   Next week, the Bleu Devils take on Army at home.  Lose to the Knights and Duke could have the inside track to a perfectly disastrous and winless season.

College Football Lowlights from Week One – College Football Losers

The inaugural week of the 2009 College Football season is nearly complete.  As of this writing there have been a couple unusual upsets as well as the usual number of predicable humiliations.  Western Kentucky was hired to be blown out by the Tennessee Volunteers in Knoxville, and in this week’s Ben Dover Memorial Game, someone called Charleston Southern was defeated 62-3 by #1 Florida.  The real mystery was why fans actually showed up to watch.  

As always, there were some huge gridiron disasters to report on as well as a couple close calls.  Navy nearly handed Ohio State an application to a tier two bowl game by not quitting in Columbus, but most games went according to prediction.    

Dung Heap Disaster
In other Bottom Ten news, the thriller of the week was played last evening in Las Cruces, New Mexico (for those of you without a map that is just across the state line from El Paso, TX where the stock yards and a big prison are).  First year NMS coach DeWayne Walker has already requested help from fans to provide snacks for his players (not making this up!).  He should probably start requesting help from fans in calling plays.  His Aggies went down to defeat 21-6 to one of the other worst teams in the country from the University of Idaho.  Making matters worse, this was a home loss for Walker who is now seriously staring up the nose of a big and ugly winless season.  Walker has a call into the recruiter who got him this job.

Tiger Food
Mike the Tiger came out of his slumber last evening to watch a surprisingly close game on national TV.  Last year’s Futility Rankings Champion Washington took on a sleepy LSU team that appeared to be seriously jet-lagged.  The Huskies kept it close for the first half before pulling away for a 23-31 defeat to the Tigers, extending their un-won streak to 15 games.  UDub hasn’t won a game since November of 2007, but at least has a shot next week at home against the aforementioned Idaho Vandals.   

Div I-AA Duke
Although there were some very competitive games yesterday – such as Alabama vs. Virginia Tech – the early schedule is dominated by teams attempting to get a win at the expense of a school that has no real expectation of success on the field.  Duke University penciled in Richmond this year to get its season started on the right foot.  Unfortunately, the Richmond Spiders showed up and stomped the unbelievably hapless Bleu Devils 24-16.  Richmond will go on to play the likes of the Delaware Fightin Blue Hens, Hofstra and VMI.  Richmond should have a decent year in Division I-AA.  Duke would have a respectable year in Division I AA.  Unfortunately for Duke, they play in the ACC.  Duke is also staring down the long abyss of a winless season.

Cougar Cough
Losing to an egghead school is bad enough.  Losing at home in the season opener to a conference school is a disaster.  The Washington State Cougars dropped their opener to Stanford by a lopsided score of 39-13.  The Cougars were never in this thing from the start.  Washington State now looks forward to games against Hawaii and SMU.  Adding to their bad luck, the Hawaii game is at home.

Sucker Punch-Out
If taking the field with the moniker ‘Fighting Ducks’ isn’t hard enough, LeGarrette Blount ended his season after game one by sucker punching a Boise State defensive lineman.  Blount then quickly backpedaled after the punch trying to look tough when the Bronco players began to ‘object.’  The University of Oregon at least suspended Blount for the rest of the season, but the Ducks have a lot to overcome.  Two of their next three games are against nationally ranked opponents, so the humiliation of getting beaten in Boise may have some shelf life. Sort of like hitting a skunk with the family mini-van, the stink from this thing will hang around to remind the Ducks of what losing the game as well as one’s composure smells like.

Check back Wednesday for the Week Two, Bottom Ten,  FirstWorst Futility Rankings – the Worst of College Football.

First Worst College Football Futility Rankings - Week One

The Worst of College Football

Each year, schools vie to avoid placement on the list of worst-performing football teams, and each year, several schools endeavor to find new and unique ways to lose.  The fact that there can only be one winner (with the obvious exception of a tie score at the end of overtime) means that there is always one loser in each game.  Teams that can string together successive and significant losses are the ones that earn a coveted spot in the Futility Rankings. 

So before kicking off the season-opening First Worst Futility Ranking, let’s quickly review the rules.  To make the First Worst list, teams must play in a conference that endeavors to send contenders to BCS games.  Although the Mid-America Conference can get teams into minor bowl games, Akron and Ball State aren’t contenders for any real post-season notoriety.   And although we stretch the rules sometimes on this by including such powerhouse programs as Idaho, Utah State and New Mexico State, a school must represent and embarrass the state they are located in.  Ball State football does not embarrass the state of “Ball” although it may from time to time; embarrass anyone associated with the school. 

So without further delay, The Sage of College Football proudly presents his picks for the 2009 pre-season First Worst Futility Rankings.

10.  Utah State – The school opens at #19 Utah in what was supposed to be an in-state battle for football supremacy that would engage the entire state of Utah and increase statewide interest in football.  This is such a mismatch that the only battle is to figure out a reason to pay for a ticket.  And it will go downhill from there.  Look for Utah State to do some really creative thinking to sell tickets to the Homecoming game.

9.  New Mexico – The Lobos are staring at what should be a tough year.  With Texas A&M as well as Texas Tech on the schedule, New Mexico must also contend with three of its final four games against nationally ranked opponents.   Unfortunately for UNM, these are all home games.  BYU, Utah and TCU have the honor of journeying to Albuquerque (and learning how to spell it) before thrashing the poor Lobos on their home field.

8.  Indiana – While it is rare that a Big 10 school makes the list, the Hoosiers are at least making a run at getting out of the First Worst Futility Rankings.  If they can avoid trips to the Emergency Room, the Hoosiers have a shot.  However, their first three games are nothing more than scrimmages against Eastern Kentucky, Western Michigan and Akron.  It wasn’t widely known that these schools actually fielded collegiate football teams. 

7.  New Mexico State – New coach DeWayne Walker gets introduced to reality this year as his Aggie team tries to get out of the WAC Cellar.  The WAC Cellar is essentially the doormat to the entire football world – you can’t sink any lower.  Still, the Aggies set the schedule up right with opening games against perennial powder-puff Idaho and then in week 2 against someone called Prairie View A&M.  Should Walker get on the wrong side of these games, he may be spending his free time across the river in Juarez buying cheap gifts to send to Athletic Directors across the country – all in anticipation of his next job search. 

6.  Oregon State/Oregon – Granted, these programs really aren’t that bad on the field – except when you look at them.    The two Oregon schools earn the number six position owing to their uniquely prissy nicknames (Ducks and Beavers), and their unbelievably ugly uniforms.  There isn’t much you can do at OSU with black and orange except celebrate Halloween.  And there are several nightmares in the OSU history book.  Oregon’s yellow and green is also tough enough to work with as well.  When the Ducks show up in their yellows, they look like highlight pens on green felt.   If they wear their green unis, they match the field.  The Ducks have to take this look on the road for game one against #14 Boise State, so they might be looking for something to highlight besides the score.

5.  Duke – The poor Blue Devils of Duke offer proof that basketball schools shouldn’t play football.  And at Duke, they don’t.  Although they try, the black and blue Devils have a uniquely challenging path towards football respectability – they have to find freshman who can compete on the field as well as pass Freshman English.  Then they have to take on one of the powerhouse conferences; the ACC, and go up against four nationally ranked teams in 2009.  The Sage wishes the Bleu Devils the best this year, but theirs is a daunting task that could keep them ensconced in a First Worst position most of the year.

4.  Iowa State – The Cyclones are coming off a disastrous year, so they did what most schools do – got a new coach.  Fortunately, the Cyclones didn’t have to fire the old guy – they traded with Auburn and got Paul Rhoads to be their new head coach while dumping their old coach – one Gene Chizik – on Auburn.   We’ll see who got the better end of that deal.  All the same, the Cyclones have a long way to go but could be on the right track with Rhoads.  Rhoads is a local Iowa Stater (aren’t many of them around who will admit to being one) who is rallying the program.  Good thing the first game is against North Dakota State. 

3.  Idaho – College football fans keep checking the Idaho website to make sure that they still have a team.  As of this post, they do… and they are still called the “Vandals.”  The Vandals were a once-feared tribe of Europeans that would trash opponent’s villages without mercy.  The only thing these Vandals trash is their school’s reputation.  They lead off against New Mexico State in what is sure to be a thriller.

2.  Washington – How in the world can the Pac 12 have two teams at the bottom of the heap?  And how can they both be from the same state?  The University of Washington finished last season winless.  Of course they fired their coach and conned Steve Sarkisian into leaving the beaches and the babes of Southern California for the fog and depression of Seattle area football.  Hopefully Sark got a good financial package out of UDub to make this all somehow worthwhile.  His first game is at home against LSU. 

1.  Washington State – The Cougars are projected – despite their cool uniforms and nickname – to lead off at number one in the First Worst Futility Rankings.  They managed a win over the Huskies of Washington last year, but that was the highlight of their season.  As there are no weak opponents on the Cougar schedule in 2009 other than the aforementioned UDub, WSU may make a run at a winless season and the premier place in the First Worst Futility Rankings.  The poor Cougars even have to play Hawaii – in a home game.  At least the Cougars can take over the #1 position from their in-state rivals for something. 

Dog Game of Opening Week – Idaho at New Mexico State.  Who schedules these things?  Play early up north, late down south.  These admin types get it all bass ackwards.

Bottom Ten Early Season Games – 2009

The college football season is almost upon us!  No longer do guys have sit in the garage in a folding chair watching grown men chase a little white ball around a park.  Week one offers up some terrific games sure to enliven the early autumn season.  Some of the best opening day games include:
·    #7 VA Tech vs #5 Alabama
·    #13 Georgia vs. #9 Oklahoma State
·    # 3 OU vs #20 BYU

One of the benefits of the much maligned BCS system is that some decent early season games may now be seen prior to conference play.  Still, this doesn’t overshadow some hugely horrible match ups in week one.  Week one is where fans of losing teams cautiously poke their heads out from behind the bleachers to see if this year, their team can win something besides the intrasquad game.

Building a loser into a winner in college football is a tall order.  Winning programs have years of tradition to assist in the recruiting of star high school athletes.  Unfortunately losing programs also have years of tradition – the tradition of being humiliated on the field.  This makes recruiting a daunting challenge.

Winning programs have throngs of well-heeled alumni to pay for the recruiting parties.  They enjoy attending them with the young coeds recruited for the event as well.  Alumni looking for things to do with their millions enjoy seeing the team they paid for thrash lesser schools on their way to a BCS appearance.  They enjoy being a part of a long standing, winning tradition.  Losing schools see their alumni donations channeled to the Philosophy Department. 

Established and successful college football programs that expect be celebrating the next New Year’s Day in someplace warmer than Toledo follow the same, well-worn path to success each year.  Schedule and win tough games against quality opponents outside the conference and the BCS formula will reward alumni with a free beer party on the beach.  Losing football programs will be wallowing in the netherworld of bowl ineligibility.

Scheduling is an art form that directly impacts the BCS formula for picking a national football champion.  Traditional losers call each upcoming season a ‘rebuilding year.’  Successful and winning football programs call every season a ‘rebuilding year.’  Successful program operators understand that even their best player is only going to contribute for a few years.  Then someone else must be found to fill in.  Getting junior players ready for the big time is a big priority of these early season ‘patsy’ scrimmages.

It is in the view of ‘rebuilding’ that the scheduling task is undertaken.  Early season games are left to the individual schools to schedule and promote.  Most of these are non-conference games that now have an impact on the BCS bowl game picture.  Prior to the BCS, Nebraska kept a long standing tradition of beating up on the most unbelievably weak early season opponents they could find.  This was to re-establish that winning tradition year after year.  Now however, Husker nation has to chew its nails through one or two pre-Big 12 Conference games each year that are actually challenging.  The Big and Red fans (BaRFs) have seen their team lose games to the likes of USC to knock themselves out of national championship contention before the Big 12 season kicks off.

Finding weak Division II schools to build an early season schedule around is easy enough.  Just pay Murray State and Western Kentucky enough money and these schools will send eleven guys willing to get smacked around for 60 minutes so that a powerhouse school may rack up a win.    Still, these games can get interesting.  Remembering (quite fondly) the Appalachian State victory over the mighty Michigan Wolverines in Ann Arbor on opening day a couple years ago, powerhouse schools need to actually show up to play. 

Will there be another Appalachian State waiting in the wings to knock off a top ten opponent this year? Probably not, but at least we can make fun of the horrible beatings some of these schools are going to be dishing out to begin the 2009 season.  So without further ‘ado’ here are the top ten blowouts for the 2009 early season as chosen by your humble author – the Sage of College Football.

10.  Michigan vs Western Michigan – The mighty Wolverine program has fallen on hard times and is coming out the dark living Hell of bowl ineligibility.  The Wolverines are an angry team playing at home.  Its fans are demanding redemption in the Big House in Ann Arbor.  Western Michigan players are asking how their administration got them into this gig.  The administrators will watch the end of this game from the bar. WMU players may watch it from their hospital beds.

9.  Indiana vs:  (in order) Eastern Kentucky, Western Michigan, Akron –  The Hoosiers leapt out to a 2-0 start in 2008 by beating a couple of these same schools to open the season.  Unfortunately, the school had many of its best athletes doing rotation work through the local hospital and didn’t produce another win all season.  This didn’t necessarily mean the plan was flawed; it was just that football players produce more wins on the field than from the infirmary.  Look for the Hoosiers to start strong in the first three weeks before getting whacked silly by the University of Michigan in game 4. 

8. Nevada vs Notre Dame – The Fighting Irish have lost some of that Irish ambition over the past couple of seasons.  This year though, is ‘make or break’  for Coach Charlie Weiss, so the nation’s best independent school has agreed to take on the Nevada Wolf Pack in South Bend.  If the ‘Pack beats up on the Irish, look for the rebellion to begin.  Early wisdom has the Irish beating the stuffing out of this school in preparation for the game 2 matchup with Michigan.

7.  Penn State vs Akron – The Akron Zips (yes, really), are funding their athletic budget for the next several years by agreeing to play Penn State and Indiana in two of their first three games.  Playing this one at Penn State will only add to the agony Zip Alums will have to endure.  Look for the Lions to run a couple series with their starters and wipe out Akron using players that don’t expect to take the field for the rest of the year.

6.  Texas vs Louisiana-Monroe – Why does a state with LSU as its flagship program allow these lesser schools to provide fodder for early season blowout losses?  Louisiana football fans wind up with schizophrenic personalities owing to following LSU, the NFL’s Saints, Louisiana-Monroe and Louisiana Lafayette.    The only reason this one won’t be a bigger blow out is that Texans usually have manners and won’t be trying to hit triple digits.

5.  LSU vs Washington – It is highly unusual that a Pac 10 school participates on the sacrificial side of an early season blowout.  When this schedule was set, LSU had every expectation that the Huskies would show up ready to give ‘em a good game.  The Huskies will indeed show up – fresh off a winless season, with a new coach and few recruits.  If LSU loses this one, be prepared for something worse than Katrina.

4.  Nebraska vs. Florida Atlantic – Florida Atlantic is one of the southern schools that has been investing in its program with the long term goal of becoming competitive.  Nebraska invests in its program every year and usually produces a winner.  After losing important home games to the likes of the USC Trojans in years past, don’t look for the Huskers to look past this one.  FLATLANTIC should get busted up in Lincoln.  If the southern school somehow prevails, there will be armed revolt on campus.

3. Florida State vs Jacksonville State - (September 12) what in the world is a top 20 team doing playing Jacksonville State?  Racking up a ‘W’ without too much effort is the obvious answer.  This game doesn’t do much for the Seminole’s bowl prospects except if they manage somehow to lose it. 

2.  Western Kentucky vs Tennessee - The Vols are clawing their way back into BCS contention and a win over the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers would be a good start.  Accordingly, a loss would be a disaster.  Playing in front of some 100k fans in Knoxville is tough enough, but for a Volunteer team looking to rebuild by bludgeoning a lesser opponent, it should be a cakewalk. 

1.  #1 Florida vs. Charleston Southern - This one is unbelievably scheduled to air on ESPN!  Then the mighty Gators have Troy U. on September 12.   To kick off their season, the preseason favorite Florida Gators actually scheduled a game against a southern part of a southern city… or at least a school that has little expectation to compete well.  The Sage cannot imagine how Charleston Southern would invite a decent athlete to participate in a game like this.  Even athletes that are healthy may wind up with Swine Flu right before kickoff.   Surviving H1N1 would be better than surviving this game.  Florida and its alumni should (but won’t) be ashamed for setting this one up.

Rotten Game of Opening Week – Idaho vs. New Mexico State – two of the worst programs in the nation square off against one another.  The victor may record its only win.

Check back Sunday for the 2009 innagural First Worst Bottom Ten List!

for my uncle

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