First Worst Futility Rankings – Week Two – The Bottom Ten of College Football

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Published: September 9th, 2009


First Worst Futility Rankings – Week Two – The Bottom Ten of College Football

The college football world was nearly rocked by a typo this past weekend.  While running the scoreboard ticker, it appeared that Air Force had defeated Michigan State 72-0.  Upon further review (after watching for nearly 30 minutes before the thing repeated) it was revealed that it was “Nich. State” and not “Mich. State” that was on the bottom side of this thrashing.   “Nich. State” stands for Nicholls State – a school that apparently fields a football team in Thibodeaux, LA.  

There were other awful defeats this past weekend including Tennessee’s walloping of Western Kentucky U. – 63-7.  This victory officially kicked off the Lane Kiffen coaching era.  Whether this turns out to be an era or an error remains to be seen.  Kiffen takes on UCLA this Saturday in Knoxville. 

Some of last week’s First Worst Ranked schools managed a win.  However, early season wins over institutions that don’t provide matching uniforms to their players aren’t going to elevate one out of college football’s cellar.  So here are the Sage of College Football’s picks for the ten worst teams going into week two:

10.  Indiana – The mighty Hoosiers penciled in powerhouse Eastern Kentucky for its opening day game.  Fortunately the red ‘I’s’ managed a win, hanging on for a 19-13 decision over a lower division school.   Up this week is the same Western Michigan team that was sacrificed at the Big House in Ann Arbor for the Wolverine’s opening day massacre.  Should the Broncos of WMU pull this one out – and they actually are a I-A school, Indiana could be headed back for a top five finish in the Futility Rankings.    In other Indiana news, it was released that the school has agreed to move its home game against Penn State to Fed Ex Field in Washington next season.  At least the school administration has the heart to not put the home town through this thrashing.

9.  Washington – The Huskies and new coach Steve Sarkisian had all of Seattle treating this loss as a win.  Having failed to humiliate themselves on national television, Washington won much of the first half before coming back to lose 31-23 to #11 LSU.  LSU appeared seriously jet-lagged in this game but prevailed.  Still, after failing to win since late in 2007, the locals were hailing this as a success.  The success wasn’t necessarily in producing a win, but in failing to embarrass the team, school, city and state yet again.  Coach Sark has a chance to produce that first ‘W’ this weekend at home against the Idaho Vandals.   At least nobody will be televising this one.

8.  Iowa State – Cyclone fever wasn’t exactly ignited with the I State win over North Dakota State 34-17.  After all, no one really knew that there was a team at North Dakota State- pr for that matter, few really knew there was a school called North Dakota State.  A little investigation revealed that North Dakota State is best known for getting its football players arrested for DUIs.  What else are they going to do in North Dakota?  Play football?

7. Utah State – Although losing to a top 20 team is not much of a dishonor, the Utah State Aggies lost convincingly to #19 Utah 35-17.  This in-state rivalry fit nicely into Utah U’s plans to drive to a BCS top tier spot.  With that loss behind them, the Aggies now must face Texas A&M at home.  In a classic Aggies vs. Aggies match up, at least one team called the Aggies will win.  Your guess as to which.

6.  New Mexico – The Lobos warmed up Texas A&M for its trip to Utah State Saturday by losing 41-6.  In what could be a solid drive to a top tier finish in the First Worst Futility Rankings, New Mexico is breaking in a new coach this year by returning to its deep football tradition – losing.  At least New Mexico has the New Mexico State Aggies on its schedule for week four.  In what should be the Lobo’s Homecoming Game, this might be their best shot at a W.

5.  Idaho – Does beating one of the nation’s worst football teams get you out of college football’s cellar?  Not this one.  The Vandals won unconvincingly over New Mexico State in Las Cruces.  Among the games lowlights was a run by Vandal running back Princeton McCarty.  After clearing the Aggie line on a running play from his own 32, McCarty found himself all alone on a sprint to the end zone.  In his apparent joy over the impending touchdown, he tripped at the 5, firmly planting face and pride into the 1 yard line.   The Vandals let him carry the ball into the end zone on the following play, but the damage was done.  Idaho contributes more to America’s Funniest Home Videos than it does to football glory.

4. Virginia – The First Worst Futility Rankings welcomes the Virginia Cadavaliers into the top 5 worst college team list.  VA lost ‘convincingly’ lost to William and Mary’s 14-26.  Bill and Mary gave up serious football decades ago, but decided to show up for this one.  This is a school that had not defeated a I-A football team in over 20 years.  It wasn’t at all pretty from the B&M side though.  Bill and Mary attempted five field goals in the second quarter of this thing – missing three.  Still, they came out on top, so welcome to the Virginia Cavaliers to the hallowed list of college football’s worst teams.  Next up for the Cadavaliers – #16 TCU.  Hope the school already collected the ticket money for this one.

3.  Washington State – A big state school losing to a school that tosses out most of its recruits due to academic eligibility problems is tough to swallow.  Stanford defeated the Cougars on their home field 13-39 on Saturday to introduce WSU to the top portion of the Bottom Ten.  The Cougars were never in this game, falling behind 22-3 at the half.   This week’s matchup with the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors will be interesting though.  The Warriors are fresh off a 25-20 win at home over a team from Central Arkansas.  The Central Arkansas boys were more interested in the plane ride and a free trip to the beach.

2.  New Mexico State – New coach DeWayne Walker’s NMS Aggies lost a thriller to #5 Idaho at home.  How anyone can lose to the Vandals is cause for a Congressional investigation. Still Walker’s Aggies came through by losing 6 to 21.  Earlier in the pre-season, Coach Walker had asked for contributions of snack foods for his players.  Apparently the NMSU budget wouldn’t support feeding his team.  The community must have come through with a few too many tamales though, as the Aggies just couldn’t have produced a worse performance.  

1.  Duke –The poor Blew it Devils lost perhaps their best chance for a win all season by getting whacked by a Division I-AAA school – the Richmond Spiders.  Richmond was supposed to play the doormat to at least get the Blue Devils seven days of a winning record but instead exposed just how bad Duke really is this season.  Hopefully, the Duke admins got cash up front for selling season tickets.  This year is already a disaster.   Next week, the Bleu Devils take on Army at home.  Lose to the Knights and Duke could have the inside track to a perfectly disastrous and winless season.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 9th, 2009 at 10:45 pm and is filed under football follies, football polls, funny football. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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