College Football – The News About Losing

Losing Faith – Making Other Losers Look Good
As college football’s midseason approaches, many teams that expected to fare well are thinking about the most effective way to bid ‘farewell’ to the 2009 season.  Colorado – where Head Coach Dan Hawkins was expected to field a very competitive team, has tasted the bitter fruits slowly fermenting at the bottom of college football’s barrel.  With only a single win over Wyoming, the once respected CU recruiting class is now counting its collective transfer options.

As weather turns colder, alumni start hitting their travel agency websites to price out tickets to favorite bowl destinations.  Others are trying to book transport to Bora Bora – just as far away from college football as possible.  Many of these folks are current coaches.

Among this week’s surprises in the Futility Rankings:

Virginia – Adieu – at least for a week to the VA Cavs.  Owing to a rather surprising 47-7 thumping of Big Ten Indiana, the Cavs at least earned the right to their team moniker – free of disparaging letter-changing.  The victory was so complete, that – aside from a mercy touchdown given up in the final quarter – the Virginia defense completely shut down the Hoosiers – sending Indiana back into the bottom ten and Indiana fans back into the line for basketball tickets.

Duke – Managing to pull off a win over North Carolina State, the Duke Blue Devils fell out of the bottom ten altogether.  Although beating a terrible Wolfpack team doesn’t erase the memory of losing to Richmond, it does drop the Bluish Devils into Honorable Mention status for the First Worst Futility Rankings.  The Devils have the woeful Terrapins of Maryland on deck next week though.  Lose here and Duke will be back in the thick of the fight for First Worst classification.

To those teams that came through under pressure to claim another loss – or those that screwed up and managed to notch a win, the following schools deserve recognition in the Week Six First Worst Futility Rankings:

10.  NC State – Welcome to the Wolfpack!  Anyone who can figure out a way to lose to the Duke Blue Devils at home on the football field deserves special recognition!  This week, the NC State Wolfpack debuts at #10 in the Futility Rankings in honor of this past Saturday’ 49-28 loss at home to said Bluish Devils. NC State gave up over 500 yards in total offense to a team that lost earlier in the year to a team from Richmond U. With only wins over Murray State and Pittsburgh, as well as someone called Gardner-Webb, NC State deserves recognition for football failure.  And this is just the place they will get the disrespect they deserve.

9.  Louisville Cardinals – After dutifully falling behind 16-7 in the first half against Southern Mississippi, the Cardinals failed in their bid to continue their fall to the bottom.  Kicking a field goal with 30 seconds left in the game, Louisville surprised itself with its first win over a real bowl division team this season.  In what should be a basketball match up, the Cardinals take on UCONN next week.  Instead, these two will duke it out on the gridiron to see who can remain in the bottom ten.

8. Indiana – Welcome back to the bottom of college football’s barrel to the Indiana Hoosiers! Owing to a remarkably complete failure at Virginia, the Hoosiers re-earned their way back onto the coveted Futility Rankings worst ten.  The rebuilding Hoosiers figured out a way to give up a whopping 536 yards of offense to what had been a fairly offensive offense on the Cavalier side.  “Making other teams look good” now seems to be the Hoosier football motto. 

7. Army – It must have given the Knights a great sense of accomplishment to knock off the eggheads at Vanderbilt 16-13 in overtime on Saturday.  This doesn’t quite erase the dishonor of losing to such powerhouse programs as Ball State and Eastern Michigan, but it is a step in the right direction. 

6. Maryland – Maryland U. lost 42-34 to Wake Forest on Saturday.  The Turtles were never in this thing from the start, allowing 35 first half points. The Demon Deacons racked up 21 points in the first quarter alone, making it their best offensive start in five years.   The Big Turtles usually provide multiple opportunities for the opposition to establish new offensive records – as if the Terps performance wasn’t offensive enough. Next up for the Terps – the newly exiled from the Futility Rankings Virginia Cavaliers.

5. Colorado – Colorado’ Buffaloes may have kept it close for a while, but came through in the end to give up a 38-14 loss to #2 Texas.  CU in fact won the first half before finding their bearings and giving up four big second-half scores, including a 92 yard punt return for a touchdown. This was the ‘Horns longest punt return since the Great Depression.  And speaking of Great Depression, this is the state where the 1-4 Buffaloes now find themselves.  
 
4.  New Mexico State – The Aggies defeated the Aggies in the Aggie Bowl on Saturday.  Or… the Aggies lost to the Aggies.  Whatever…  Although tagging the Aggies of Utah State with a loss, the Aggies of NMSU barely held on, needing a last second field goal to seal the 20-17 win.  A tie between two of college football’s worst teams would have been appropriate here, but fittingly, neither team could accomplish that objective.

3.  Washington State – Now in the middle of their Pac 10 schedule the Cougars of Washington State are in the middle of yet another winless crisis.  Failing to score in the first half, the Cougars went on to secure the loss by giving up 27 points to visiting Arizona State.  Washington State got over half of its total offensive yards on a single busted defensive play (by ASU) – a 99 yard touchdown pass late in the fourth quarter to Johnny Forzani.   Arizona State sportingly spotted the Cougars a whopping six turnovers to keep this thing as close as it was.  In the end, the Cougs couldn’t overcome ASU’s generosity and took their accustomed place in the loser’s bracket by a final score of 27-14.

2.  Utah State – The Aggies of Utah State move up to #2 this week following an embarrassing road loss to #3 New Mexico State.  A last second field goal by New Mexico State’s Kyle Hughes sent the other Aggies team to the bottom.  Utah State has a season full of challenging opponents remaining so a win in 2009 is looking doubtful.  Of course when you are at the bottom of the heap, every game is challenging.

1.  New Mexico – The 0-6 Lobos kept their drive for perfection very much alive with a 37-13 loss to Wyoming.  Adding injury to the insult, the Lobos couldn’t get nearer to Laramie on Friday night than 50 miles owing to a snowstorm that dumped over a foot of the stuff over southern Wyoming.  The Lobos would have been better served to call the game off.  Still, they prevailed – their losing streak intact.  Also insulting to this injury; of the final five Lobo games, three are against top 20 teams.  The possibility now exists for the Lobos to post the first perfectly awful season since the Washington Huskies accomplished that feat – well – just last year.

First Worst Futility Rankings – Week Five- Losing the Way to the Top

Teams at the bottom of college football’s barrel have a unique ability to figure out new ways to come up short.  Last week’s #10 team –the Indiana Hoosiers – needed some help to snatch defeat from the jaws of an improbable victory at Michigan.  Indiana, who hasn’t scored a win in Ann Arbor since before the Bo Schembechler era, needed an official’s horrible call on a last minute ‘interception’ to seal the loss.  The call gave the ball over to Michigan, depriving the Hoosiers of a chance at victory. 

Still, coming that close vs. Big Blue entitles Indiana to a drop out week from the Futility Rankings – at least for one week.  The Hoosiers have to overcome this heartbreak to make a trip to Columbus to play Ohio State.  Indiana’s exit is covered by the mighty football powerhouse Maryland who enters the poll at #9 this week coming off a humiliating loss to Rutgers.  

Also entering the Futility Rankings this week is Army.  Although it pains many to see the US Military Academy treated so poorly in the Futility Rankings, the Knight’s record of failure must be acknowledged.  Army has lost each game it has played against Division I opponents.
And finally, the departing Iowa State Cyclones traded places with the Knights of Army – by beating them on the field.  The Cyclones could easily stumble their way back into the bottom ten by losing to Kansas State this weekend. 

And any discussion of losing cannot ignore last week’s battle between #1 New Mexico and #2 New Mexico State.  Both NM schools have difficulty recruiting players to forgotten places on the US map, so it is fitting they wound up facing off for #1.  The University of New Mexico won first place by giving up a short touchdown pass with 36 seconds remaining on a fourth and goal play.  The Lobos deserve credit for missing two field goals during the game that might have caused a different outcome. 

So in celebration of this and other loss stories, here is proudly presented – the Week 5 First Worst Futility Rankings – the bottom ten of college football.

10.  Idaho – Will the Vandals figure out a way to break out of the bottom ten?  The schools’ schedule makers helped this past week by setting the team up with a game against Northern Illinois.  IU responded with a win 34-41.  Idaho now has to play a real game – at home against Colorado State.  CSU is playing well and could send the Vandals back to the top of the Futility Rankings.

9. Maryland – lost 34-13 to Rutgers. With only a win over James Madison (a President who has been dead for some time), the Terrapins are into the midst of their ACC schedule and must now figure out how to survive a game against Clemson.  Losing to Rutgers has become a not-quite-so-embarrassing event, but with only losses against top division schools, the Terrapins are in a position to make a run to the top five of the worst performing football schools.  And playing against ACC schools, they could go winless the rest of the way.  Most losing ACC schools look forward to basketball season.  Unfortunately, Maryland stinks on the court, too.  

8. Army – The Black Knights lost this past week to Iowa State.  That is painful by itself.  When combined with an earlier loss to Duke, the Knights now qualify for admission to the top ten college Futility Rankings.  Army has lost each encounter with a top division football team and looks to extend its record of futility this week against Tulane.  Lose this one and Army is headed for top five positioning.

7.  Colorado – The Buffs got a head start on another losing weekend Thursday evening with a 35-24 loss to West Virginia in a game that was never close.  Losing is bad enough, but losing to a team this poorly dressed is an absolute disgrace.  West Virginia deserves to be exiled from football by showing up to play dressed head to foot in fluorescent yellow.  The Mountaineers are pushing Oregon for the most horribly dressed team in the nation.

6.  Utah State –Beat a team from Southern Utah 53-34 this past weekend.  Looking at a map, it is difficult to see where a town exists in southern Utah that might have a school.  The Aggies – even though blessed with a win, now has to play #20 BYU.  And a hearty ‘good luck’ to the Aggies.  They’ll need it.

5.  Duke – Perennial Futility Ranked Duke managed a win this past weekend- over someone called North Carolina Central – 49-14.  Schedule makers may have arranged for a win, but they couldn’t extract the Devils from football’s bottom five.  Duke now plays in state rival NC State.  Getting into midseason form, the Bleu Devils are preparing for games against Maryland and Virginia – two other worst-ranked ACC schools.  These could be the Bleu Devil’s only remaining hope for a win prior to tip off of the basketball season. 

4.  New Mexico State – The Aggies pulled off a 20-17 win over New Mexico in Albuquerque.  After a disastrous start, New New Mexico Coach DeWayne Walker has notched a couple of wins.  He how has to take the Aggies to San Diego State.  His biggest challenge may not be getting a ‘W’, but in keeping his kids off the beaches.  If they find their way over to LaJolla, they ain’t going back to Las Cruces.

3.  Virginia – The Cadavaliers had a bit of good luck this past week and broke its string of weekly losses by not playing.  The Cavs now go up against powder blue North Carolina.  The ‘Heels are licking their chops over this one and can’t wait to get back on the winning track after last week’s loss to Georgia Tech.

2.  Washington State – Losing to a nationally ranked team is no disgrace.  The Cougars weren’t disgraced, but still lost 27 – 6 to Southern Cal. Fresh off its own stunning loss to Washington, the Trojans took it out on the Cougars.  WSU now plays #16 Oregon in another matchup against a nationally ranked team.  Scheduling nationally ranked teams is a bad way to get out of the losing rut.

1.  New Mexico – The Lobos lost 20-17 to New Mexico State last week to solidly entrench the program as the First Worst College Football Team.  Losing as they did at home on a 4th down play with a few ticks remaining on the clock at least made the storybook finish one that will be difficult to forget.  However, coming that close might look good after reviewing the next set of game films for their trip to Texas Tech.  The Lobos will be tough to unseat as #1, though.  NM has no weak schools remaining on its schedule – which includes two nationally ranked teams in BYU and TCU.  The Lobos need to get used to their lofty #1 ranking.  It doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

First Worst Futility Rankings – Week Three- The Bottom Ten of College Football

The season is rapidly taking shape for college football’s losers.  After week two, a couple programs surprised the nation by starting out 0-2 and have earned entry into the First Worst Futility Rankings. 
The Colorado Buffaloes of the Big 12 have already hit midseason form with an unbelievable shellacking at the hands of the University of Toledo.  Buff players will remember this one forever as they figured out a way to give up 54 points to a Mid America Conference school.  Most Big 12 schools don’t bother with the MAC, and it appears that CU should have avoided it as well.  But…unless they scheduled a bye week, the Buffs would have found someone else to get whacked by.

Other schools should have scheduled a bye.  Troy University at least collected a decent paycheck from getting bonged by #1 Florida 56-6, and Virginia dutifully surrendered to TCU 30-14 to advance its record to 0-2. 

As the season revs its engines and good conference games are just around the corner, let us take a look at the Bottom Ten of College Football for the Week 3 version of the First Worst Futility Rankings. 

10. Indiana – The Hoosiers upgraded the quality of their opponents –if not their play- this past week by defeating Western Michigan 23-19.  Graduating from beating up on a lower division school, the Hoosiers advanced their record to 2-0.  Normally, this would be a good school to drop from the Futility Rankings, but given Indiana’s record, week two isn’t quite enough evidence that the team has improved.  Following a 2-0 start in 2008 with wins against lower division opponents, the Hoosiers never won again.  Will history repeat itself?  The Hoosiers should at least advance to 3-0 with a game against Akron this weekend.  The schedule makers gave Indiana a shot at a possessing a winning record for at least five weeks.    The first real game on the Hoosier schedule is Sept. 26 against Michigan. 

9. Iowa State – The Cyclones are on rapid transit to the bottom of the Big 12 right along with the Colorado Buffaloes.  Losing – yes, convincingly- to cross state rival Iowa 35-3, the Cyclones have a lot to work on – starting with hanging on to the football.  I-State gave up a whopping six turnovers in this thing and never made it close.  With a game against Kent State set for Saturday, the Cyclones will be reminded frequently this week that smaller Midwestern schools LOVE to knock off someone from the Big 12.  Just ask the Buffs.

8. Utah State – The Aggies did the best they could this week.  At least they didn’t lose.  They were the only Futility Ranked school with the sense not to schedule a game.

7. Colorado – What a shock.  The Sage of College Football has to welcome the CU Buffs to the Bottom Ten this week after a stunning and absolutely embarrassing loss to the University of Toledo.   And believe it or not, CU was never in it.  Down 23-3 at the half, the Buffs managed to put up 35 second half points.  Unfortunately, the Rockets put up an additional 31 of their own.  Local media couldn’t bring itself to even report on this game (yes, really!).  They won’t want to cover the next one either.   Should Wyoming (who at least played Texas tough for a half) come out on top, CU Coach Dan Hawkins may get that early trip to Hawaii.

6. New Mexico – The poor Lobos are just getting worse – even after only two games.  New Mexico lost its first two games by a combined score of 85-16.  And this season could get a whole lot worse beginning next week against Air Force.  New New Mexico Coach Mike Locksley was at a loss for anything constructive to say after giving up 44 points to Tulsa, uttering only that his team had a lot to work on.  Locksley needs to work on his resume.

5. Virginia – The Cavs played TCU tough, but still came up short.  And owing to an outrageous loss to William and Mary in week one, the Cavs deserve to be solidly entrenched at #5 in the Futility Rankings.  The Cavs are on the road against Southern Mississippi next weekend.  Lose this and we’ll move ‘em up a notch.  Virginia, and Colorado have been the biggest surprises at the bottom of football’s barrel so far this year.  Large state schools losing to small ones that didn’t figure to have a chance when the season began is a first class ticket to the tank.

4. Duke – The Mighty Bleu Devils got out of position #1 in the Bottom Ten with a win over Army on Saturday.  This has the Duke faithful at least sighing in relief that it won’t be another completely winless season.  And beating the Knights at West Point is not a small accomplishment.  Still, Duke will probably return to form this week against #22 Kansas in Kansas.  The Devil fans can now enjoy future shellackings knowing they have their one ‘W’ already in the bag.  This makes the wait for basketball season a little bit easier.

3. Idaho – The Vandals – although winning over New Mexico State last week, turned in a solid performance by losing to the University of Washington and breaking UDub’s multi-season winless streak.  The Vandals could easily go winless the rest of the way, beginning with San Diego State next week.  To get in a win itself though, SDSU had to schedule a football team from Southern Utah.  If you have ever been to southern Utah, it is a wonder they could find 11 guys and a football field. Getting back to Idaho – and gee who wouldn’t want to do that – some powder-puff games remain on their schedule.  Winning these will make the record books a little neater but won’t get ‘em off the Futility Rankings Worst Ten list.

2.  New Mexico State – winning against Prairie View A&M doesn’t exactly qualify as a quality win.  But if you are the NMS Aggies, any win has a certain degree of quality – even if it is over the women’s field hockey team.  New New Mexico State Coach DeWayne Walker notched a win in what promises to be a perfectly awful season the rest of the way.  Although he can count on having a shot against in-state rival New Mexico and against Utah State, the Aggies committed the unforgivable sin of scheduling in Ohio State and Boise State.  Can’t wait for those.  Walker needs to enjoy this week to its fullest. 

1. Washington State – The Cougars of Washington State are making a drive to the first winless season since – well – last year when cross-state rival Washington accomplished the same feat.  The Cougs have a shot against Southern Methodist on Saturday, but blow this one, and it will really be downhill from there.   Actually, no matter what happens on Saturday, it will be downhill for this program. 

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Week Two Blowouts – The Worst Games of Week Two in College Football

The BCS scheme was intended to inspire better early season football games.  Prior to the BCS, the Nebraska Cornhuskers would scour the country to find a club team to take on the Big Red in Lincoln.  In exchange for getting pounded by Nebraska’s third string, the visiting school would get a nice pay day.

Those days aren’t completely gone.  #1 Florida – who didn’t have to worry about what anyone thought of their early season schedule – took on powerhouse Charleston Southern last week and of course, blew them into the Atlantic.  Tennessee had the good fortune of scheduling a horrible program from Western Kentucky and wiped them off Neyland Stadium field with a damp rag.  What is amazing about these games is that the institutions charged admission.  Fans even paid.

As we look into the dregs of the week two schedule, it is important to note that some great match ups – at least on paper – have been created.  Check your local listings for TV times, but be aware that the Florida matchup with Troy University is also on the schedule.  Even die hard Gator fans shouldn’t be watching this one.

Good Game #1
Michigan vs. Notre Dame should be a good matchup of two rebuilding programs.  But if Charlie Weis stumbles, he needs to call his agent about that new job.  The Irish allowed Nevada U to visit South Bend for a 35-0 drubbing last week.  The Wolverines are supposed to be a step above Nevada, so the Big House should be rocking. 

Good Game #2
USC and Ohio State are set to face off Saturday in Columbus – which may just be one of the Trojan’s only really challenging games all season.  Barring another upset in the Pac 10 schedule, the Trojan’s conference opponents are so weak (except possibly Cal), that this could be the best game for Trojan fans to watch all year. 

Other schools should be ashamed of charging full ticket prices for their games.  As far as blowouts go, there are plenty

Burial at Sea Bowl: 
The San Diego State Aztec fan club is looking to throw the school’s schedule maker into the bay.  After opening the season with a disastrous loss to #3 USC, the Aztecs are set to take on #17 Utah at home.  Someone in the distant past thought that the school would have its team in the big leagues by 2009 and thought scheduling in nationally ranked or strong opponents would be a good thing.  Unfortunately, the team is in the tank and opposing schools are using these games to warm up the beer vendors.

Edge of the Cliff Bowl:
Army vs. Duke –The Knights take on Duke University Saturday in North Carolina.  This is actually important because should Duke figure out a way to lose this game, they are on solid footing to go winless for 2009.  With their entire fan base staring at another year of complete gridiron humiliation, the Duke student body is already hyping the basketball season. With the rest of their ACC schedule coming up, the Bleu Devils might not see a win all year.  After Army, half of Duke’s opponents are nationally ranked.   The Devils are on the edge – lose here and it just might be “over and done with.”

How Did This Happen Bowl:
The California Golden Bears are set to play a game of football against a team from Eastern Washington.  Eastern Washington led off the season with a win over Western Oregon.  Unfortunately for EW, Cal is a real football school now.  Cal seems ready to play, and after obliterating the University of Maryland last week, the Bears have their third string all warmed up and have sent the starters off to oogle the Southern Cal cheerleaders.  How Eastern Washington wound up on the schedule is anyone’s guess.

Television Time-Out Bowl:
#16 TCU vs. Virginia – The schedulers probably didn’t see TCU developing into a strong program when this was set up.  Virginia – although never being fully committed to its football program – never saw itself losing to Bill and Mary.  In what looked like a decent game some years ago, the schools conned ESPN into televising it to at least please Texas football watchers.  After the first quarter though, even hard core Texans will be switching over to ‘What Not to Wear.’  Of course the wizards that set up the schedule didn’t anticipate this to be such a blow out.  But… after the Cadavalier’s completely embarrassing loss to William and Mary, TCU should be able to start the cheerleaders in the backfield and win going away.  

This week’s Ben Dover Memorial Bowl:

Florida vs. Troy – after grinding a team from Charleston Southern University into football pulp, the mighty Gators have elevated their sites this week for a game against Troy (who?).  Troy University of Troy, Alabama has been trying to foray into big time college ball with marginal success.  What in the world compelled them to agree to play this game?  The #1 Gators will take on the Troy Trojans this Saturday in a home game sure to be a thriller.  ESPN is planning to televise the thing, but probably won’t send anyone more important than the Olsen twins to handle the play by play.

First Worst College Football Futility Rankings - Week One

The Worst of College Football

Each year, schools vie to avoid placement on the list of worst-performing football teams, and each year, several schools endeavor to find new and unique ways to lose.  The fact that there can only be one winner (with the obvious exception of a tie score at the end of overtime) means that there is always one loser in each game.  Teams that can string together successive and significant losses are the ones that earn a coveted spot in the Futility Rankings. 

So before kicking off the season-opening First Worst Futility Ranking, let’s quickly review the rules.  To make the First Worst list, teams must play in a conference that endeavors to send contenders to BCS games.  Although the Mid-America Conference can get teams into minor bowl games, Akron and Ball State aren’t contenders for any real post-season notoriety.   And although we stretch the rules sometimes on this by including such powerhouse programs as Idaho, Utah State and New Mexico State, a school must represent and embarrass the state they are located in.  Ball State football does not embarrass the state of “Ball” although it may from time to time; embarrass anyone associated with the school. 

So without further delay, The Sage of College Football proudly presents his picks for the 2009 pre-season First Worst Futility Rankings.

10.  Utah State – The school opens at #19 Utah in what was supposed to be an in-state battle for football supremacy that would engage the entire state of Utah and increase statewide interest in football.  This is such a mismatch that the only battle is to figure out a reason to pay for a ticket.  And it will go downhill from there.  Look for Utah State to do some really creative thinking to sell tickets to the Homecoming game.

9.  New Mexico – The Lobos are staring at what should be a tough year.  With Texas A&M as well as Texas Tech on the schedule, New Mexico must also contend with three of its final four games against nationally ranked opponents.   Unfortunately for UNM, these are all home games.  BYU, Utah and TCU have the honor of journeying to Albuquerque (and learning how to spell it) before thrashing the poor Lobos on their home field.

8.  Indiana – While it is rare that a Big 10 school makes the list, the Hoosiers are at least making a run at getting out of the First Worst Futility Rankings.  If they can avoid trips to the Emergency Room, the Hoosiers have a shot.  However, their first three games are nothing more than scrimmages against Eastern Kentucky, Western Michigan and Akron.  It wasn’t widely known that these schools actually fielded collegiate football teams. 

7.  New Mexico State – New coach DeWayne Walker gets introduced to reality this year as his Aggie team tries to get out of the WAC Cellar.  The WAC Cellar is essentially the doormat to the entire football world – you can’t sink any lower.  Still, the Aggies set the schedule up right with opening games against perennial powder-puff Idaho and then in week 2 against someone called Prairie View A&M.  Should Walker get on the wrong side of these games, he may be spending his free time across the river in Juarez buying cheap gifts to send to Athletic Directors across the country – all in anticipation of his next job search. 

6.  Oregon State/Oregon – Granted, these programs really aren’t that bad on the field – except when you look at them.    The two Oregon schools earn the number six position owing to their uniquely prissy nicknames (Ducks and Beavers), and their unbelievably ugly uniforms.  There isn’t much you can do at OSU with black and orange except celebrate Halloween.  And there are several nightmares in the OSU history book.  Oregon’s yellow and green is also tough enough to work with as well.  When the Ducks show up in their yellows, they look like highlight pens on green felt.   If they wear their green unis, they match the field.  The Ducks have to take this look on the road for game one against #14 Boise State, so they might be looking for something to highlight besides the score.

5.  Duke – The poor Blue Devils of Duke offer proof that basketball schools shouldn’t play football.  And at Duke, they don’t.  Although they try, the black and blue Devils have a uniquely challenging path towards football respectability – they have to find freshman who can compete on the field as well as pass Freshman English.  Then they have to take on one of the powerhouse conferences; the ACC, and go up against four nationally ranked teams in 2009.  The Sage wishes the Bleu Devils the best this year, but theirs is a daunting task that could keep them ensconced in a First Worst position most of the year.

4.  Iowa State – The Cyclones are coming off a disastrous year, so they did what most schools do – got a new coach.  Fortunately, the Cyclones didn’t have to fire the old guy – they traded with Auburn and got Paul Rhoads to be their new head coach while dumping their old coach – one Gene Chizik – on Auburn.   We’ll see who got the better end of that deal.  All the same, the Cyclones have a long way to go but could be on the right track with Rhoads.  Rhoads is a local Iowa Stater (aren’t many of them around who will admit to being one) who is rallying the program.  Good thing the first game is against North Dakota State. 

3.  Idaho – College football fans keep checking the Idaho website to make sure that they still have a team.  As of this post, they do… and they are still called the “Vandals.”  The Vandals were a once-feared tribe of Europeans that would trash opponent’s villages without mercy.  The only thing these Vandals trash is their school’s reputation.  They lead off against New Mexico State in what is sure to be a thriller.

2.  Washington – How in the world can the Pac 12 have two teams at the bottom of the heap?  And how can they both be from the same state?  The University of Washington finished last season winless.  Of course they fired their coach and conned Steve Sarkisian into leaving the beaches and the babes of Southern California for the fog and depression of Seattle area football.  Hopefully Sark got a good financial package out of UDub to make this all somehow worthwhile.  His first game is at home against LSU. 

1.  Washington State – The Cougars are projected – despite their cool uniforms and nickname – to lead off at number one in the First Worst Futility Rankings.  They managed a win over the Huskies of Washington last year, but that was the highlight of their season.  As there are no weak opponents on the Cougar schedule in 2009 other than the aforementioned UDub, WSU may make a run at a winless season and the premier place in the First Worst Futility Rankings.  The poor Cougars even have to play Hawaii – in a home game.  At least the Cougars can take over the #1 position from their in-state rivals for something. 

Dog Game of Opening Week – Idaho at New Mexico State.  Who schedules these things?  Play early up north, late down south.  These admin types get it all bass ackwards.

Bottom Ten Early Season Games – 2009

The college football season is almost upon us!  No longer do guys have sit in the garage in a folding chair watching grown men chase a little white ball around a park.  Week one offers up some terrific games sure to enliven the early autumn season.  Some of the best opening day games include:
·    #7 VA Tech vs #5 Alabama
·    #13 Georgia vs. #9 Oklahoma State
·    # 3 OU vs #20 BYU

One of the benefits of the much maligned BCS system is that some decent early season games may now be seen prior to conference play.  Still, this doesn’t overshadow some hugely horrible match ups in week one.  Week one is where fans of losing teams cautiously poke their heads out from behind the bleachers to see if this year, their team can win something besides the intrasquad game.

Building a loser into a winner in college football is a tall order.  Winning programs have years of tradition to assist in the recruiting of star high school athletes.  Unfortunately losing programs also have years of tradition – the tradition of being humiliated on the field.  This makes recruiting a daunting challenge.

Winning programs have throngs of well-heeled alumni to pay for the recruiting parties.  They enjoy attending them with the young coeds recruited for the event as well.  Alumni looking for things to do with their millions enjoy seeing the team they paid for thrash lesser schools on their way to a BCS appearance.  They enjoy being a part of a long standing, winning tradition.  Losing schools see their alumni donations channeled to the Philosophy Department. 

Established and successful college football programs that expect be celebrating the next New Year’s Day in someplace warmer than Toledo follow the same, well-worn path to success each year.  Schedule and win tough games against quality opponents outside the conference and the BCS formula will reward alumni with a free beer party on the beach.  Losing football programs will be wallowing in the netherworld of bowl ineligibility.

Scheduling is an art form that directly impacts the BCS formula for picking a national football champion.  Traditional losers call each upcoming season a ‘rebuilding year.’  Successful and winning football programs call every season a ‘rebuilding year.’  Successful program operators understand that even their best player is only going to contribute for a few years.  Then someone else must be found to fill in.  Getting junior players ready for the big time is a big priority of these early season ‘patsy’ scrimmages.

It is in the view of ‘rebuilding’ that the scheduling task is undertaken.  Early season games are left to the individual schools to schedule and promote.  Most of these are non-conference games that now have an impact on the BCS bowl game picture.  Prior to the BCS, Nebraska kept a long standing tradition of beating up on the most unbelievably weak early season opponents they could find.  This was to re-establish that winning tradition year after year.  Now however, Husker nation has to chew its nails through one or two pre-Big 12 Conference games each year that are actually challenging.  The Big and Red fans (BaRFs) have seen their team lose games to the likes of USC to knock themselves out of national championship contention before the Big 12 season kicks off.

Finding weak Division II schools to build an early season schedule around is easy enough.  Just pay Murray State and Western Kentucky enough money and these schools will send eleven guys willing to get smacked around for 60 minutes so that a powerhouse school may rack up a win.    Still, these games can get interesting.  Remembering (quite fondly) the Appalachian State victory over the mighty Michigan Wolverines in Ann Arbor on opening day a couple years ago, powerhouse schools need to actually show up to play. 

Will there be another Appalachian State waiting in the wings to knock off a top ten opponent this year? Probably not, but at least we can make fun of the horrible beatings some of these schools are going to be dishing out to begin the 2009 season.  So without further ‘ado’ here are the top ten blowouts for the 2009 early season as chosen by your humble author – the Sage of College Football.

10.  Michigan vs Western Michigan – The mighty Wolverine program has fallen on hard times and is coming out the dark living Hell of bowl ineligibility.  The Wolverines are an angry team playing at home.  Its fans are demanding redemption in the Big House in Ann Arbor.  Western Michigan players are asking how their administration got them into this gig.  The administrators will watch the end of this game from the bar. WMU players may watch it from their hospital beds.

9.  Indiana vs:  (in order) Eastern Kentucky, Western Michigan, Akron –  The Hoosiers leapt out to a 2-0 start in 2008 by beating a couple of these same schools to open the season.  Unfortunately, the school had many of its best athletes doing rotation work through the local hospital and didn’t produce another win all season.  This didn’t necessarily mean the plan was flawed; it was just that football players produce more wins on the field than from the infirmary.  Look for the Hoosiers to start strong in the first three weeks before getting whacked silly by the University of Michigan in game 4. 

8. Nevada vs Notre Dame – The Fighting Irish have lost some of that Irish ambition over the past couple of seasons.  This year though, is ‘make or break’  for Coach Charlie Weiss, so the nation’s best independent school has agreed to take on the Nevada Wolf Pack in South Bend.  If the ‘Pack beats up on the Irish, look for the rebellion to begin.  Early wisdom has the Irish beating the stuffing out of this school in preparation for the game 2 matchup with Michigan.

7.  Penn State vs Akron – The Akron Zips (yes, really), are funding their athletic budget for the next several years by agreeing to play Penn State and Indiana in two of their first three games.  Playing this one at Penn State will only add to the agony Zip Alums will have to endure.  Look for the Lions to run a couple series with their starters and wipe out Akron using players that don’t expect to take the field for the rest of the year.

6.  Texas vs Louisiana-Monroe – Why does a state with LSU as its flagship program allow these lesser schools to provide fodder for early season blowout losses?  Louisiana football fans wind up with schizophrenic personalities owing to following LSU, the NFL’s Saints, Louisiana-Monroe and Louisiana Lafayette.    The only reason this one won’t be a bigger blow out is that Texans usually have manners and won’t be trying to hit triple digits.

5.  LSU vs Washington – It is highly unusual that a Pac 10 school participates on the sacrificial side of an early season blowout.  When this schedule was set, LSU had every expectation that the Huskies would show up ready to give ‘em a good game.  The Huskies will indeed show up – fresh off a winless season, with a new coach and few recruits.  If LSU loses this one, be prepared for something worse than Katrina.

4.  Nebraska vs. Florida Atlantic – Florida Atlantic is one of the southern schools that has been investing in its program with the long term goal of becoming competitive.  Nebraska invests in its program every year and usually produces a winner.  After losing important home games to the likes of the USC Trojans in years past, don’t look for the Huskers to look past this one.  FLATLANTIC should get busted up in Lincoln.  If the southern school somehow prevails, there will be armed revolt on campus.

3. Florida State vs Jacksonville State - (September 12) what in the world is a top 20 team doing playing Jacksonville State?  Racking up a ‘W’ without too much effort is the obvious answer.  This game doesn’t do much for the Seminole’s bowl prospects except if they manage somehow to lose it. 

2.  Western Kentucky vs Tennessee - The Vols are clawing their way back into BCS contention and a win over the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers would be a good start.  Accordingly, a loss would be a disaster.  Playing in front of some 100k fans in Knoxville is tough enough, but for a Volunteer team looking to rebuild by bludgeoning a lesser opponent, it should be a cakewalk. 

1.  #1 Florida vs. Charleston Southern - This one is unbelievably scheduled to air on ESPN!  Then the mighty Gators have Troy U. on September 12.   To kick off their season, the preseason favorite Florida Gators actually scheduled a game against a southern part of a southern city… or at least a school that has little expectation to compete well.  The Sage cannot imagine how Charleston Southern would invite a decent athlete to participate in a game like this.  Even athletes that are healthy may wind up with Swine Flu right before kickoff.   Surviving H1N1 would be better than surviving this game.  Florida and its alumni should (but won’t) be ashamed for setting this one up.

Rotten Game of Opening Week – Idaho vs. New Mexico State – two of the worst programs in the nation square off against one another.  The victor may record its only win.

Check back Sunday for the 2009 innagural First Worst Bottom Ten List!